Anger is a normal emotion that can escalate into an immoderate and toxic obstacle very quickly in relationships. Examples of escalation might be when we feel repeatedly unheard and invisible to others and not being acknowledged. Others include when we have expectations of others that are not being met, or we apply our personal values as a standard that everyone else “should” adhere to. Responsible and moderate expression of anger in relationships will allow us to feel better, maintain healthy relationships and best of all, not have adverse physical or social consequences.
The strength of our anger can be best graphed on a continuum at one end being mild irritation or frustration to being out of control toxic rage at the other. When anger produces secondary symptoms like a racing heart, high blood pressure, headaches, digestive problems, problems maintaining relationships, insomnia, anxiety, depression and worst case, heart attack, it’s probably past time to rethink how we deal with it.
The Anger Cycle
There is a predictable cycle of events that takes place in a very short period of time when we are angry. First, we get triggered by something we become aware of around us. Examples might be, we get into an argument with someone, something unexpected happens, we feel disrespected by someone or invisible when they don’t give us what we need. Once triggered, we tend to give a meaning to what just happened or we make an assumption about what just took place. Note that at least half the time, (if not more) our interpretations/assumptions about events are WRONG. Yet, triggering happens quickly and we are already going down a path of escalation.
Second, we may begin to feel fearful or threatened by the thoughts we’re having. Our amygdala (a very primitive part of our brain) begins to send chemical signals in the form of stress hormones (adrenaline, cortisol, and epinephrine) out into our system, initiating the “fight or flight” response. This is an automatic response not consciously controlled by us but part of the escalation phase of anger none-the-less.
The third phase is the crisis phase, appropriately named because it does not usually involve the sound judgment that our neo-cortex or the rational thinking front part of our brain would provide. Most of our brain activity at this point is preoccupied by helping us survive and immediately cope.
Once we act, we eventually move into the recovery phase. This phase is where our body slowly gets back to normal: the adrenaline we had been feeling flooded with dissipates gradually and we can once again return to our regular rational thinking mode.
The final phase is called the post-crisis depression phase. Our body tries to balance us and our heart rate may even slip a bit below what it normally registers in an attempt to compensate for the stressful overactivity. Mentally we go into a period of re-assessment, trying to figure out what just happened and why. Depending on our reaction during the cycle, we may end up feeling remorse, guilt, shame or a bit of depression as a result.
What will help
- It’s important to know that while you are still in survival mode and your stress hormones and anger haven’t completely dissipated, it will not be productive to talk with anyone about what’s going on. The rational parts of your brain have been “hijacked” so to speak. If someone wants to talk with you it’s best just to tell them, “I don’t want to discuss this right now, let’s do it tomorrow afternoon.” (Make sure when you do talk to them that you have a very clear goal in mind for that conversation, i.e.-“I want to share what anger is like for me so they understand me better.”
- Take care of yourself physically by learning how to calm yourself with relaxation/breathing techniques, physical exercise and meditation. Spend time becoming more aware of what triggered you. Our thoughts lead to the feelings we have, so it will be important to know what thoughts/meaning you gave the event right before you got so angry. Why did you have such a strong response? What other times or people in your life does it remind you of?
- Learn how to talk about your feelings with those you care about (when you are able) in a non-blaming, non-shaming self-responsible way. Try not to have important/emotional conversations when you are hungry, tired, in pain, are under the influence of drugs or alcohol or when you still may be reactive. All of these lower our ability to manage our anger well.
- Understand your particular “emotional landmines” or sensitive topics from the past. If your current anger episode felt disproportionate to the situation at hand, this might be a red flag telling you unresolved trauma from the past still needs to be addressed.
Awareness of your patterns
Being stuck in anger has detrimental physical symptoms (i.e. racing heartbeat, increased blood pressure, headaches, higher levels of cortisol in our system, etc. To avoid being stuck in an anxious loop of frustration, I suggest the following:
- STOP what you are doing (when practical) and take a 20 minute time out . Tell yourself, “I need to take some time to calm down.” Once you are in a safe location, practice slow and rhythmic diaphragmatic breathing as well as progressive muscle relaxation techniques to ground yourself.
- Try to Identify the cues that tell you anger is about to get out of control. Cues like racing thoughts (what were they?), fast shallow breathing, sweating, raising your voice, pacing back and forth, etc. are important to notice.
- Try to capture the details of your anger. Notice all the “self-talk” you had as you experienced the episode, for example, “I’m furious and my heart is racing because this guy driving next to me just cut me off(trigger).” [If you have your iPhone with you, dictate a note to Siri (“Heh Siri, take a note…”)] “What I told myself about that is he almost caused a bad accident(escalation) he’s a jerk and he needs to be taught a lesson. He should know better. Then I proceeded to race up to his bumper (crisis)to scare him from behind and make him notice me. But then, I remembered to breath and I realized what was more important was that I could’ve caused an accident and hurt myself and others (beginning recovery). I started to think how self-centered this person is, not being conscious of other cars around him or even caring. That suddenly reminded me of my sister and also the first girl I ever dated. For the rest of the day that really upset me because I felt totally outraged and disrespected. I found it hard to get back to a happy mood again.
- Make sure you can identify the negative consequences of your experiencing anger the way you did. For example, “My wife refuses to talk with me now-she thinks I may bite her head off!’ or “I almost had a worse accident getting so close to that guys bumper!.” Rate your anger on a continuum from 1-10, 10 being rage and 1 being just minor irritation.
- In the same note, you might ask yourself what about this situation is truly under your control and what is not? Were you getting upset over something that you couldn’t change? Did fear start the emotional cycle for your anger? Did you feel unprepared? Often times, anger comes up when we perceive that people, animals or inanimate objects are in the way for us to achieve our goals. (“How dare they? That shouldn’t be happening!”)
Be careful of the word “should”, by the way. It implies that you DO have control and it’s your way or, literally, the highway.
The goal: self accountability and moderation
By becoming aware of the thoughts and circumstances that trigger your anger, you can start the process of interrupting the quick surge involved in the “fight or flight “response and allow the more tempered rational parts of your brain increased access to calm and moderate your feelings and behavior.
Next week, Anger Strategies, my upcoming post, delves more into breathing techniques referenced above and others designed to interrupt the escalation process.