It can be a real challenge to have a romantic relationship with someone who has an opposing set of beliefs or values especially in the political, spiritual, economic, artistic or cultural arenas. When talking about your beliefs in a passionate way, they may disagree and want to argue their case for why they believe you are wrong! The back and forth that may follow might really test your boundaries as you both excitedly try to convince the other that you are right! But the conversation can turn into a very heated argument and result in the two of you left wondering if you were ever really compatible in the first place! Differences will and do occur; we may even find ourselves seeking them out because we enjoy the richness that it brings into our lives. How you handle them however will dictate the outcome. If the arguments keep happening, without a sense of understanding the other or increased tension in the relationship, it may be time to take a second look.
How does one know? Here are some ideas that may be helpful.
Compatibility can generally be defined as having enough similarity in essential values or beliefs that you can freely talk about your ideas and listen respectfully to those of others without there being animosity. It is a feeling of being on the same team and supporting each other even if you have different ideas or needs without having to defend yourself or prove that you are the one that is in the right. Like living with someone from another country, one isn’t better than the other or more right, it’s just different and still needs to be respected.
Another aspect of compatibility is that, since you are a team, you do things out of caring for the other without needing to keeping track of inequalities. You do it out of love and concern, not needing to be thanked, not needing reimbursement-you just do it because you want to give to the other person and let them know you care.
We also learn who we are and how to have relationships with the opposite sex through the individuals who were most important to us growing up, our opposite sex caretakers. We all think that how we grow up is “normal” regardless of what took place. Sometimes, what we experienced was quite toxic and a good example of what not to do in relationships. The values and communication style you have is heavily influenced by the culture you grew up in. If you come from an Italian working-class family, hard work, Christian faith and being accustomed to boisterous banter might be part of the culture you feel most comfortable with. But if you were born into an Amish family from Pennsylvania, that might well be perceived as offensive especially if you were taught to lead a simple and quiet life.
Why is compatibility important?
Compatibility helps to make the relationship easy and enjoyable; it just flows. It’s not heavy, it’s a delight. We add something to the other and they to us. Without it, one might feel alone, misunderstood, invisible and hurt- the opposite of what we all want in a relationship. Without it we feel in a strange kind of tense orbit around each other, almost in competition. We feel tentative, uneasy and anxious- definitely not connected.
How to increase the level of your compatibility
Learn how to have more respectful communication.
Talk to each other about what’s important and matters to you most. True intimacy is about being able to tell the truth to each other which includes what you value most. If you are afraid of how your partner will react to what you value most, this is a red flag pointing to the need you have to talk about just this. I can help you learn how to talk to each other differently and share your truths with each other.
Learn how to disagree about important subjects without the tension that can rise to the level of a fight. It is OK to have a different view of something; it’s important though to not denigrate or shame someone for having a different opinion. You can actually learn a lot about people and the logic they use to form their opinions if you don’t need to be right and can agree to disagree about something. If you do find yourself in an argument that feels heated, learn how to fight without shaming or blaming the other person.
Go out of your way to respect them-do caring and thoughtful things for your partner on a regular basis that you know they appreciate. This will communicate that you not only see them but support and love them.
At the end of the day, the person who you are in relationship with is most likely the most important person in your life. Without the two of you together, not much else matters. So it’s important to remember your support of the other is vital. If you don’t know what gives your partner the feeling of being supported, ask them. If you don’t know what gives your partner the feeling that you respect them, ASK! You may not feel the same way about many things but at the end of the day you are a team! The relationship is far more important than who is right or wrong in their opinions about the political climate.
If you need help, don’t hesitate to contact me.
I would love to help you be a better team!